11/26/2013


Today, I am more depressed than usual.  I am easily agitated and short with my wife.  I have familiar physiological symptoms and over powering emotions.  Emotions of self-disgust, frustration and anger.  I am angry that I feel self-pity and that old woo-is-me syndrome.  I have the urge/need to cry but no tears will come; my anger is stronger than the sadness I feel.  A lack of un-worthiness has crept in again as it has so many times before.  Thoughts of self-destructive behavior are fleeting, although reoccurring.  For the second time in the past few days, I have considered taking medication in order to sleep away the hours and days.  I am resisting this action today.  I have been mentally planning an escape from the impending family gathering during the Holiday Season.  I surmise that by distancing myself from family and friends, I will be free from these feelings.  The putting on of a happy face is so tiresome.  It is much easier to be as I am; un-happy.  Social and spiritual interaction with others helps to counter much of the negativity.  But, trying to show genuine interest and attentiveness is weakened by intrusive thoughts.    
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